lucky

About ten years ago I ended a relationship that needed to end. This was not your run of the mill meeting of two people that shouldn’t be in the same county nevermind the same house. Where one or both are whack-a-doodle. Being nutty at a given time in a relationship is normal. And any who says there isn’t someone out there that wakes in a cold sweat while having a dream where you are playing a staring roll, you are lying to yourself. There is nothing more certain, God is being invoked due to you. But when you add an SSRI into the equation, oh boy, but the normal jealous control-freakery changes into an altogether different animal .
I met the ex gf at university, and very soon discovered she had a problem with depression. This wasn’t something that was very bad and normally coincided with PMS which would be quite severe about one in three. Anyway she went to the college Doc for it was interfering with her study and there are concessions for those with medical issues if it was reported to the college medics. Something her dad told her to look into. He had been on staff, so knew the in’s and out’s of such things.
She attended the clinic of the new medic a few times. On the forth occasion she came out with a script for little bi-tone capsules. She was to take one every second day.
Soon afterwards the cutting began and was coupled with a self focused aggression. After about a month the instruction was to take one pill per day and four months after that, three over two days.
It is quite simply impossible to describe the change over those months. You need to think about that frog being boiled. But by the end of eight months what was slightly bothersome when she was studying was now full blown murderous rages where she caught the steering wheel while I was driving and tried to turn us into oncoming traffic. Actively self-harming became so regular that I was adept at wrapping her wrists. But when she overdosed and ended up in hospital. It was then I knew for my own sanity I needed to get out. Mind you it took another four months to get there, out that is.
After it ended, when I could relax, I was like a wrung out dishcloth. The profound tension was gone and for about a year afterwards I remained in a daze.
What has happened to her afterwards, I don’t know. But if she didn’t come off those drugs I strongly suspect she is dead.ย 
There has been increasing evidence these last few years that the family of SSRI drugs are profoundly dangerous to those with mild depression. And I along with thousands of other partners could have told the GP’s and the head-doctors the effects of these poisons, something that the person was incapable of describing for they couldn’t remember after one of these episodes. But they were making a packet handing out these drugs like M&Ms.
Without a doubt this report is self centered. It only deals with me. But regardless that I should feel sympathy, I’m afraid that emotion has limits. Limits that were exceeded over eleven years ago.
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16 Responses to lucky

  1. Kelly says:

    A sad tale. I think that drugs like this have their place, but vigilant monitoring (by a health care providor) needs to accompany the treatment.

    Several of my family members are big advocates of drug therapy, others don't believe in using drugs at all. I'm pretty open-minded, but still maintain a healthy amount of skepticism.

  2. Vince says:

    That's just it. The monitoring was abysmal. But what I saw and received would stop me from ever giving to kids of mine -if ever I have any-, medication for ADD/ADHD or anything like that.

  3. HulaBuns says:

    You know, I love this post. It's great to learn more about you and your life experiences. Sorry that this one seems to be an incredibly difficult one that you have shared (and had to go thru), but I think that if we haven't experienced some of life's major “downs” we don't know how to fully appreciate the “ups”. I hope that makes sense. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. This is my trade. But I am not a medical doctor. The monitoring is always abysmal. To the extent that it's almost in the rule book.
    Medics are blind to the negative unwanted effects of the intervention. They do sometimes though add an additional intervention to deal with some of the unexpected results. An expanding cycle. Thus we get “poly-pharmacy” Nearly a crime that, very common, and always missed by those who will not comment negatively on others work.
    Try pointing out a negative effect to a doctor. They will say it isn't happening. Even when it clearly is. As for reporting such things through the supposed system. Why would they. Not been reported much. So not needing reporting now. Bizarre.

  5. That's quite a story. First, I'm not sure who was the lucky one in it. It doesn't sound like either of you were. You getting out with some semblance of sanity maybe, but still not a happy time I would guess. I'm aghast that someone would be given antidepressents for PMS. I have heard some cases are very bad, but I didn't know they prescribed that kind of drug for it. I have close ties to both the positives and negatives of these drugs. Closest of all, my mom who was put on antidepressants after my dad passed away. They seemed to work for her, and after about 9 months she was taken off of them and is now living a pretty happy healthy life. I suspect that if she hadn't been on them I'd be attending her funeral as well. On the other hand, I have a friend who came home to a husband who shot himself in the head. He was on these drugs, told the doctor he was having suicidal thoughts but was too nervous about going off of them. Did they cause it? Who knows, but it's a scary coincidence. There are many stories in between all these too. Some good, some bad. That goes as well for the kids with ADD/ADHD. I've seen kids just blossom and become happier on them, but I've also seen families with kids on meds bust apart. Definitely a hot-button issue, but we are a society of quick fixes even if the fix causes longer range problems.

  6. Vince says:

    Some of the why of writing the above was to absolve myself of some of the residual feelings, the blame on blame. And to nail once and for all time that incredible loneliness of the partner and recipient of all the violence that wasn't self directed. Nail the fault exactly where it darn well should sit.
    As to your Mom and her use of the drugs. I didn't say they were useless. Only that they need watching. And with the kids, yes there are probably kids that will gain from using ADD/ADHD meds. But I believe this number represents a minuscule number of the overall and a big field, ten other kids and a reason to chase. Would solve the issue by roasting off all the spare energy.
    It's that husband, or rather his wife. The knowledge/reports are all about the suicide(him) and only the partner as a by-blow. But I will bet you that that act of violence which took his life was far from the first. And the very real danger is the partner makes excuses by saying it's only the disease/drugs/illness it's not him. But it is him. While the partner feels both helpless and wrong because they believe they should be able to do something to help. But differentiating the problem from the person is a mistake and when things end, hinders the process of healing.

    TFoG, At the time, I was following the reports that were coming out on the internet. There was a plethora. Most, like Kimberlys' friend's husband. This really dialed up the pressure.
    The problem is there is the medical certainty that they are correct. Something very difficult to override. But one I won't ever err again.

    Hulabuns, thanks, I think ?. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    But I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. Nor what went on with the ex gf.

  7. Vince says:

    Oh. Lucky, because I could have married her Kimberly.

  8. Ed says:

    Thank you for sharing such an incredibly personal story. When I read these stories on various people's blogs, it really adds a humanity element to the stories you hear and read about.

  9. R. Sherman says:

    Moving post. Anyone with a loved one affected by depression can relate. In addition to the loved one affected, there are always the “just snap out of it” busybodies who make one's life additionally miserable. As touchy-feely as it sounds, I wish there were more support groups for those who deal with spouses, significant others, family who suffer from these debilitating bouts.

  10. Sage says:

    A powerful, sad and very personal post. Depression is a terrible thing, to those who live with it and those who experience it second hand.

  11. Michele says:

    Depression is hard to live with, for the sufferer and those who live with them. I know because at various times JR or I have battled with it. At one point I was prescribed antidepressants. After about 4 weeks I suddenly quit. Why? Because I stood in the shower that morning and seriously contemplated killing myself. I knew it was the medication because I had never had thoughts like that in my life. I stopped taking them that day and reported it to my doctor. I've never taken and will never take them again. I don't seem to have the metabolism for them.

    This is not to say that they are bad for everyone. My brother takes them and has been helped by them considerably. He was one miserable jerk before taking them.

  12. Rebecca S. says:

    Ah Vince, now I understand why your hackles rise whenever I write one of my inward-looking posts that reflects some sadness. What a thing to go through for you! It is hard not to blame ourselves when we cannot manage to help or reach someone dear to us who is suffering. I hope it has helped you a little to air your thoughts about the matter.

    Interestingly, we just, last Sunday night watched an episode of Inspector Lewis where a group of test subjects for a new anti-depressant begin dropping like flies.

    I have tagged you in a challenge over on my blog. Cheers!

  13. Vince says:

    Rebecca, If I put it like this about the blame thing and how it can appear. About once a week she would down her head and run at a wall. I would try to deflect her some way. however every so ofter I would miss and she would knock herself out with the force. I would blame myself for not catching her. Now you need to know that you never ever ever know exactly when things will kick off

    I didn't see that Lewis, must be a first in itself as they seem to be on a loop with Morse and Marple.

    Michele; But that's just it. The pills are handed out as if one size fits all. And with damed all monitoring. I'm sorry to read about you and JR. But with these SSRIs you just dont know. Like with Kimberly friends man, even though he knew they were bad for him he still was more fearful of what might happen if he came off them. What the hell is with that!?!?. Not from his point of view but from the medics. They must have encountered this exact morphology with those medicines.

    Sage; Yes, truly terrible. But it's one thing when it's organic to the person. Another entirely when it is medicine induced.

    Randall; I would have been in the just snap out of it brigade myself. Our thinking being from personal evidence. We think that it's something that can be shook off with a good walk/run for that's how it works for us most of the time.

    Ed; the thing is I would not have written this had I not dealt with it. Could not, is probably truer to write. So it's not really as 'to me' as it might seem.
    Yes, in large part it is a coughing up of residual phlegm from that period. But also a warning sign for those that might be sitting in a warming pan right at this moment. As that pan wont get cooler no matter what you do. And getting out might force issues in a beneficial way for the other person also.

  14. Rebecca S. says:

    Oh Lord! That is unreal.
    Lewis' Sargeant Hathaway is my favourite character on tv right now ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. You ARE lucky you did not marry that woman! Close call, my friend. Depression is tricky. I've dealt with it myself but only in response to particularly difficult challenges in life. I too was put on medication. I began to have self destructive fantasies so I got off the juice. Dangerous stuff.

  16. Rebecca S. says:

    Here I am again…but only to tell you the name of the episode: 'The Mind has Mountains'. It's probably online available to watch somewhere.

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